I’ve had the words for this post swirling around in my mind for the last week. I knew that to adequately describe the adventures of Tara Shae (and company) this post needed to be written. The hard part is that for one who tends not to over share, it is difficult to put this in writing. But, alas, this is part of my story, and the journey that God has me on here on earth.
Last Monday, I had my first OB appointment. Yes, we were on the journey in my 2nd pregnancy. The anticipation was building and this would be the appointment where we would see the little bean on the screen, hear the heartbeat, get confirmation of what I had been feeling for the past few weeks and then slowly start to share with family and close friends.
Since we moved, it was mostly necessary that I find a new doctor instead of traveling back to the previous town where I had delivered Kohen. As most of you know, this was a difficult task for me. I dislike doctor appointments to the max. I created huge anxiety over each appointment, and I generally have elevated blood pressure due to nervousness. Heck, at my last doctor they even labeled me with “severe white coat syndrome” I won’t even act like it’s not true. I get sweaty palms when I have to take Ko in for routine check ups. Somewhere in my brain, I equate the doctor with something being wrong. I can’t wrap my brain around going to the doctor when things are fine. It’s a sickness really, and exceptionally stupid considering how much you have to visit the doctor when you are pregnant and with children. Ugh.
Fortunately, I had found a doctor I felt good about and there we were, sitting in the room waiting to meet her. She came in and was very pleasant. Answered all my questions, took time to get to know us a little and calm my nerves and then sent us down to the sonogram room.
We got situated in the room and I took a deep breath – anticipating a similar situation to when we first viewed the little bean that was Kohen back in November of 2011. The sono tech was very quiet, searching around and not really saying anything. Chad was watching on the screen and finally just blurted out “are there two?!” and she calmly and with no emotion confirmed what he asked. My mind swirled. Two babies?! Twins didn’t run in our family AT ALL. Thoughts of buying two of everything jumped through my brain. Could I handle it? Of course I could. Ok, relax, just stay calm. I was there waiting for her to turn on the monitor so that we could hear the heartbeats, but she never got that far. She continued taking measurements and recording things and then finally said, “There are two babies in there, but I can’t find a heartbeat for either one”. I think she asked if I was ok, and then told us we would go back upstairs to meet with the doctor.
Details after details of stuff that I don’t want to remember and I can’t really remember everything that went on, but the doctor told us how sorry she was and gave us options for the future. We decided upon a plan of action and left the doctor’s office.
I was strong. It was typical Tara in action. Strong in public…mostly because I was in shock…the tears would come later in private. Not realizing all the ramifications of the news we had just received and I was doing ok, until I had to call somebody. I sat in the car, quiet. Chad asked me if I was ok. And I responded by saying that I was ok, but that I didn’t even know who to call first. Slowly the news got out. I made phone call after phone call. Text after text and let the people closest to me know the news of which I was anticipating a very different delivery for just a few hours earlier.
A little joke that Chad and I started with Kohen was calling our children Chad/Tara Combos. In fact, when I let Chad know that I was pregnant, I wrote that Chad/Tara Combo #2 was on its way. Little did I know that it was actually #2 & #3, but that God took them early to heaven. Two little hershyberger babies in heaven.
Do you know why I get so nervous at the doctor? It’s because I’m anticipating the worst. I’ve had too many people close to me and have read too many blogs of people that I don’t even know with stories from all along the spectrum during pregnancy. Some have a miscarriage on their own, some go to that first appointment and there is no heartbeat, some get further along with complications, heart issues, development issues, cord issues, delivery issues. Seriously, the list goes on and on and on. And with each story, I am overwhelmed with the miracle of life. Seriously. I used to just shove it off when my mom told me that she was just thankful that we were healthy. And, now, after carrying Kohen and giving birth, I TOTALLY understand what she means. It is an insane miracle, one that only could be orchestrated by a huge God. So, while I still get incredibly nervous, with a mind that wanders to every possible worst case scenario, the one thing that gets me through is prayer and a relationship with a HUGE God that knows me and my struggles and tells me boldly that He’s Got This. 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast your burdens (anxiety) on Jesus, because he cares for you”
Trusting God for the future of our family, the strength to rebound from this heartache, and the opportunity to use this situation to bring glory to Him.
To all who have checked in on us and who have been praying, thank you. Family and friends who show up in the darkest times, are true blessings.
We will get through this, no doubt. It just takes time to work through it all.