20 Week Bumpdate

Yay! We’re over halfway there!  And we know our little baby’s gender.

It’s a BOY!!

When the sono lady was doing the sonogram, she got to the end and asked if we had a preference/feeling this time around.  Chad started to say how fun it would be to have a little girl, when she interrupted him and said, well, unfortunately you don’t have a very shy little son!  He was loud and proud, spread legs, ready to show himself off to the world.

We are so thrilled.  NOT ONLY for a perfect little one, growing and measuring right on, but also for the icing on the cake of knowing that it is a HE in there.  The very first thing I told Chad after we found out (and after we high-fived, of course) was that he could now build bunk beds for the boys!

I was secretly hoping for a boy.  Don’t get me wrong, a girl would have been so sweet…we all know the craziness that would ensue (I had even found the PERFECT Hello Kitty diaper bag), but I know it will be so special for Kohen to have a brother.  And I never got to experience what it was like to have a sister (ok, my brothers are alright too) but there is just something different when you have a sibling of the same gender.  I have also already gone through some of Kohen’s baby clothes and I’m pumped to use them again on this little guy!

Anyway, we found out on a Monday (a little after 18 weeks) at my specialist appointment.  Which went very well by the way.  Other than the appointment taking all morning, everything checked out fine.  They will monitor me closely because blood pressure is not something to mess around with (and I understand completely), but I still felt like my elevated levels were because of my general nervous state at the doctor’s office.  But, it just means that we get to see our little guy more towards then end with a few extra sonograms, and we will pray that everything goes well towards the end of the pregnancy.

We kept the baby’s gender a secret until we could share with family in a small gender reveal party.

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We had Chad’s mom and Paul, Paul’s son CJ and his wife, Chad’s dad and Beth, Chad’s brother’s family, my parents, and my younger brother (Ty skipped out to be at the Royals game – who are going to the World Series…what??????!!!!!) over to our house and I made a couple pots of chili, and kept it pretty low-key with the sides.

We ate out on the back patio and it was a beautiful evening.

We decided to reveal the baby’s gender first thing because we didn’t want any chances of spoiling the surprise.

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I had wrapped up a new little onesie and we planned to have Kohen open it up.  (I wanted to find “matching” outfits so that Kohen would be dressed in the same outfit that he would pull a smaller version of out of the bag, but I wasn’t finding what I wanted at the store.  Chad insisted that it was fine…and it was.  It’s just once you have something in your mind…ya know??  Or maybe that’s just me??)

Anyway, Ko opened the bag, and it was BLUE!

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Mama and her boys!

We had a great evening with family and it was great to finally let everyone know!!

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Those pics were all from around 19 weeks.

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This is from last weekend (20 weeks)  Mama and little brother.

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Daddy and big brother!

So thankful for my family! And the chance to take care of 3 boys (yes I include Chad) 🙂

28

I had a really great birthday…considering the actual day fell on a Monday…hubs did a good job to make sure I was loved (and lots of super great friends and family too)  It’s crazy how 28 can feel so old and so young at the same time.

I saw another blogger write 28 things about herself for her bday, so I’m going to attempt to do the same…

one. I’ve always referred to my birthday as being on June Two…not the 2nd.  And therefore some good college friends still remember my birthday…I guess it worked 🙂

two. It’s funny that my birthday is so close to K’s.  It always brings up strong emotions of wishing that he would make an entrance into the world…and waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  But, he came on his own timing, and I can’t believe he is almost 2!

three.  I treated myself to a mani/pedi the Saturday before my bday.  Shellac is by far one of the best inventions.  My nails are still flawless almost a week later.

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four.  We had a small party with friends in the new backyard to celebrate me and Gina’s birthdays (only 4 days apart) G is older…sorry G, had to throw it in there!

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five.  Apparently, even when you turn 28, you still get birthday gifts…new curtains for the house, HGTV magazine subscription, and gift cards galore.  I’m a lucky gal…people know my love language

six.  Chad got up early on Monday to pick up donuts for the fam. Also the key to my heart!

seven.  The only sad part about my bday was wondering what it would be like if I were still carrying the twins.  how big, how pregnant, how hot i would be….a constant reminder of letting go, and trusting God, and rejoicing that the babies are in heaven.  But, I miss them.

eight.  Living so close to a Starbucks is dangerous.  It’s a love/hate relationship…I LOVE the coffee, but the budget hates it.  I try to limit myself to once a week, but birthday week qualified for a few extra visits!

nine.  we had the option to get sit/stand desks at work.  It is amazing to have the option to sit or stand…I’ve read too many articles about how sitting for so long can cut years off your life, not to mention add pounds as well.  Its been a challenge to stand, but I usually try to do it for 2-3 hours out of the day.

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ten.  When I agreed to let Chad register for tools for our wedding, I had no idea what a great decision that would be.  Dude is straight up resident handy-man.  And, all of his experience doing plumbing, landscaping, construction proves to help out our family immensely.  The new house has been a little bit stressful and his list of “honey-dos” continues to grow, but he has all the knowledge to make it happen.  AND, bonus, he gets to help out lots of friends…serious servant heart right there Chad Aaron!

eleven.  28 things was a lot…what was I thinking?! 😉

twelve.  When I think back to college and what I thought I wanted to do, certainly never would have thought I would be working for a Recruiting firm…most people still don’t understand what I do…but trust me, it’s kinda cool.  So thankful for my boss, company, co-workers, the opportunity for my hybrid work schedule and to contribute to the family.  Being a mom is the best job, but working where I do is pretty cool too.

thirteen. I lost a charm on my bracelet the other day grocery shopping (it got stuck in the cart and snapped off – luckily I located it), so we stopped by the jewelry store to have them fix it.  She looked at my ring, and said, let me clean that thing, what have you been doing in your ring…to which I said, “LIFE!”  I don’t take the thing off…duh!  Thankfully, whatever high-powered solution they have cleaned it right up!

fourteen. All throughout elementary, middle, and high school I never ran across anyone close to me with my same name.  In college, and in both towns we lived in, I’ve had close friends in my circle named Tara.  It’s cool, it just adds confusion.  Luckily, it gives people the opportunity to call me Tara Shae, which is what my Gma has called me all my life and it makes me feel extra special when people call me that.  It’s like we are family!

fifteen.  I’ve been a lover of Mac n Cheese for as long as I can remember.  Chad still laughs when I pick up boxes of it at the store.  My recent favorite is Annie’s Mac and Cheese.  But, for my bday party, I made a corn/cheese noodle casserole that Chad’s Aunt made famous.  It is serious deliciousness.  Not healthy in any way, but seriously yummy.

sixteen.  Even though I have cosmetology training and experience, I feel like I’m the worst client when it comes to indecision about what to do with my hair.  I have this urge to chop it off.  I’ve grown it pretty long lately, but I feel like with the texture/density of my hair, this is about as long as it’s gonna get.  The shortest I will go is shoulder length tho…we will see what happens!

seventeen.  my younger brother convinced me to download the SnapChat app.  I’ve never felt so old in my life.  Didn’t know how to navigate the dang thing and had to call him for a tutorial.  Sheesh!

eighteen.  Is there anything better than a friend offering to bring over Chick-Fil-A to celebrate your birthday?!  I think not!

nineteen.  My latest decor obsession is a plank wall/ceiling…and people always look at my dumbfounded.  Thankfully hubs has caught the vision and understands.  Pinterest tells me its a real thing too…so it’s all good.

twenty.  It feels like adult struggles are so much harder than stuff I went through as a kid.  I know of so many people struggling, compounded with my own “life stuff”…it breaks my heart and makes me long for my eternal home even more.  Maybe it’s because I’m too sensitive, but I want to fix it all.  The good news is that I can’t and won’t, because Christ has already done that and what an amazing thing to rest in His grace knowing that Christ dying on the cross changes everything.

twentyone.  ANTIQUES!!  It must be my dad’s genes running through me, but I’ve fallen in love with “old, junky stuff”  There is an “Antique Market Days” coming to our town later this month…I’m on a personal mission to find some old shutters to decorate with!

twentytwo.  I turned 22 while I studied abroad in Italy…six years ago?!  No way.  This time of year always brings back super awesome memories.  I LOVED my time in Italy.  I often laugh about all of my adventures over there.  I was so brave.  I need to be like that more often.

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twentythree.  One of my favorite things that K says right now is, “mommy hold you” meaning, that I should pick him up.  It is such a scary and awesome thing when he repeats what we say.  I love being his mommy.

twentyfour.  I do not miss our apartment one little bit.  However, I am thankful for our time there as it allowed us to save for our downpayment.  Need to remember the positives and not dwell on the negative.

twentyfive.  Our pastor is going through a series on the Fruits of the Spirit.  It takes me back to my summer at the Amigo Center in Michigan as a camp counselor.  We had a camp song about the Fruits of the Spirit…Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control….I can still remember them all because of the song!

twentysix.  I love flowers but stink at maintaining them.  Everything seems to die.  Good thing my dad got me a succulent type plant that he said, “is basically very tough to kill”  Let’s hope he’s right!!  I’ve already tried to kill the beautiful hanging flowers that Chad’s mom gave us!!

twentyseven. Almost there….

twentyeight. Whew, I did it.  That’s a lot of stuff to think of.  Thankful for 28 years full of life and experiences.  Here’s to another year…

 

A Little Taste

I’ve heard from a few friends that they are curious as to what we are up to in the new house.

Well, the short answer is LOTS of painting.

Somewhere along the way, I turned into a “white-trim” loving gal.  It must be my new-found love of country, old, antique-y like things.  And, Chad being the super husband that he is…goes right along with my crazy requests.  Which may or may have not entailed the suggestion of painting all the trim in the house white.  You never know how much dark trim accents there are until you start painting it white and you feel like it will never end.

Alas, we have made quite a bit of progress in the short week and a half we’ve had the place.  And, I will forever brag on my husband for his incredible work ethic, attention to detail, and happy attitude as he begins our forever “work-in-progress” house projects.

After all, it is SO pretty when it is completed.

This room is the downstairs living space.  What you can’t see is just to the right of the small window is the sliding glass door that leads to the covered patio.

BEFORE:

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And….AFTER:

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Again…just a little taste.  Not fully completed…but we are getting there. (I.e. the ladder, paint cans, and paint tray/brush included in picture!)  And the fireplace cover will go back on after we spray paint the brass colored section black. And the baseboard needs to go back up.  Of course, you didn’t need me pointing out every little detail…but I suppose that’s how critical one gets while living in the space!

Walls are a light grey, fireplace is a dark grey, and trim is white (obviously)

More pics to come.  Stay tuned.

 

P.S.  A few “in-progress” shots

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Celebrating Love

**I took some unintentional time away from writing.  The hubs asked me the other day why I hadn’t blogged for a while and my knee jerk response was, “I don’t have anything nice to say”.  Grief is a weird thing…feelings go in cycles…some days are hopeful and others are just downright huge bummers!  And, in an effort to not sound like a grumpy, complainer…I just didn’t write.  I wouldn’t say that everything is currently sunshine and rainbows, but I did just come down from a really great weekend…so here I am…writing 🙂

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My current boss and former boss (who happen to be husband and wife) had a daughter getting married this past weekend.  We had the lovely privilege to attend and join in the celebration.  It worked out pretty perfectly, because Chad and I are coming up on our 4 year anniversary (April 17th) and it was a great opportunity for us to spend some quality time together!

Friday afternoon, I met my dad and dropped K off with him for the weekend.  My parents were over the moon excited to keep K.  My little brother even decided to come home from college to spend time with K.  I’d say that little guy is pretty loved!  My dad told me that we need to leave more often.  Nothing like getting shoved down in the priority list!  But, I guess I understand.  That grandparents gig is a pretty neat thing!  We were flooded with pictures throughout the weekend, so we knew K was having the time of his life and it kept us smiling too!

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So, Friday night after Chad got off work, date night was officially on!  We did a quick stop at Chipotle (believe it or not we hadn’t been there in a while!) and shared a burrito bowl and some chips and guac!  Then, on to the movie theater!  Seeing a movie in the theater almost NEVER happens anymore, so this was one of my requests for the weekend.  One of the doctors that Chad works for gave a gift card to the theater as a Christmas gift…so we (I) was patiently waiting for a time when we could use the gift!  I was also hoping for some sort of crazy, sappy, chick flick that Chad would just be overjoyed to attend with me…but alas, no such luck.  Our choices were down to Liam Neeson or Jason Bateman….and we went with Liam, because, well, he rarely disappoints!  And WOW.  I don’t know if it is getting older, or married, or being a mother, but this movie played into my emotions.  There was some serious suspense, and a few moments that involved a small child and I lost it in that movie theater.  Who have I become????  I blame it on the fact that I had just left my baby for the weekend.  Anyway, it was a good movie, so good that I was having trouble separating the movie from real life after it was over.  Sheesh.

Saturday morning we packed up and headed out of town, but not without first picking up Chick-fil-a breakfast!

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We arrived in KC, and Chad’s only request was a stop at Oklahoma Joe’s.  You know the food has to be good when the line is almost out the door…all. the. time.  The line moves pretty fast, and by the time you get your food, you melt into bliss and completely forget that you even waited for a bit.  We met up with Whitney and Tyler, and chatted and caught up a bit.

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We checked into our hotel, had a little down time, and then got ready for the wedding.

After the wedding we went to the reception.  Gorgeous venue, delicious food, and even better company.  Chad enjoyed connecting with lots of people that he knew amongst the guests (imagine that!) while I hung out with my friends (the kitty kat gang…don’t ask) and we even made our way on the dance floor 🙂

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Sunday morning we did our best to sleep in.  But, unfortunately, it just doesn’t happen so well anymore.  Breakfast at a neat cafe, and then somehow we ended up at the book store.  At this point I looked over at my husband sitting on the bench next to me, reading, and I said, “is this what happens on your 4 year anniversary trip? we end up at the book store, reading?”  we had a fun laugh.  Chad was researching the paleo diet, while I was checking out one of Jen Hatmaker’s books written about excess.  We, then, popped over to the Apple store to drool and ask the people (smarter than us) a few questions.

After that we felt like we had maxed out our time away from K, and we were super ready to get back to our little guy!

It wasn’t anything too special, or too crazy.  I think most of our events were planned around where we would eat!  BUT, it was a nice little break from taking care of sweet toddler K.  And taking time to celebrate new love, and remember back to 4 years ago when we made our covenant with God and one another.  At times it feels like we’ve known each other for so much longer, and at the same time how much we’ve been through in 4 short years!  Looking forward to many, many more!

Pioneer Woman Brings Us Together

Baking is one of my outlets.  Ask my husband, or my co-workers, or my friends.  I enjoy getting to bake.  Mainly sweets…that could be why my co-workers have a love/hate relationship with me!

Today was one of those really sweet days.  One where you just have to thank God for the little details.  I know, I go back to how hard it was to move, BUT the big and little ways that God has shown up.

I’ve briefly mentioned my friend, Ginny, before.  Her husband’s parents are my parents’ “in the country” neighbors.  Did ya get that?  So, we were friendly by default.  But, Ginny has one of those friendly, warm personalities that just welcomes you in and encourages you to stay awhile.  I couldn’t help but be drawn to her.  She’s kinda like a big sister, letting me bounce ideas off of her and ask her all sorts of questions.

Well, when we were over at their house for dinner one evening, we got to talking about baking and cinnamon rolls and of course Pioneer Woman.  She almost broke my heart when she said she spent one year around Christmastime baking PW’s amazing cinnamon roll dough only for it to FAIL big time.  She was planning to bake them and give them to her neighbors, but after they didn’t turn out, she had to throw them all away.  I just simply couldn’t take it.  We had to remedy this situation and get her back on track for a beautiful relationship with PW.

So, after we left that night, I texted her.  “When can we have a cinnamon roll baking day?” We put it on the calendar where we would walk through the recipe step by step together and I could show her why it is my go-to recipe for rolls!

This morning, we were PW fools in the kitchen.  It was SO MUCH FUN!  I could almost cry while I sit here typing (and I’m not one to cry easily).  I had a friend in this (not so) new city that I could go over to her house, have our boys play, and we baked!!  Seriously, God is awesome.  And I thank him for this morning that was so good for my heart!

We made a quadruple batch, people!  That is 4 times of PW’s ooey, gooey, amazing, goodness.  And, 6 batch’s of Steph’s amazing caramel icing!  I made a double batch of the dough yesterday evening and put it in the fridge.  While we prepped another double batch at Ginny’s house, we rolled out mine into rolls.  I walked Ginny through the milk scalding and yeast process (where she had the most trouble before)  I attempted to show her that it wasn’t scary!  (I think she believes me now)  And her dough even rose!  Success!! (This is actually a picture I sent Ginny the night before, telling her that we would at least have 1 round of dough to work with!)

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The house smelled amazing, we chatted as we mixed and rolled, and only set off the fire alarm once!  It was a great day!

And what do we have to show for it, besides the fullest heart in the county??  Six dozen rolls, each!  This is just my half! 🙂

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I sent 1 pan to work with Chad for the afternoon, plan to gift a friend a pan this evening, and I have a few pans in the freezer for a rainy day.  Unless you wanna come visit me, in which case I will warm you up a roll and we can sit and talk about how much I love you and my good friend PW.  See?  She always brings us together!

San Antonio Trip

I think I mentioned a while back on the blog that I would be taking a work trip in early January.  Well, the time had come for the trip!  I was given the enormous task of planning all the major (and minor) details and we were just a few days away and then I received this news.  Needless to say, the trip had a dark cloud looming overhead, but I had done too much planning and I was anticipating this adventure way too much to just let it all go away.  Thankfully it was a nice distraction and quality time spent with Chad.  Let’s recap:

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Wednesday evening we flew out.  We flew Southwest, which in our experience was a very enjoyable airline.  Two short flights and we reached our destination.  In fact, when we landed in Dallas, we were able to get on a earlier flight that had enough space for our group.  What a blessing!  We arrived in San Antonio around 9PM and grabbed a taxi to our hotel (what an adventure).

After we arrived and got checked in, and were incredibly tired and hungry.  Asked the front desk of places to eat and they didn’t have many great suggestions, so we settled (which was excellent) for room service.  It was kinda crazy for Chad to pick up the phone to call and for them to call him Mr. Hershberger.  We just don’t get treated like that everyday.

IMG_1217Thursday morning Chad and I grabbed Starbucks, which was just across the street from our hotel.  In fact, Chad was treating me so well that anytime I asked for Starbucks over the trip, he always answered with yes.  (He knew that he would crack down once we got back home)  After breakfast, I started in on my work obligations.  While the meetings would not officially start until the afternoon, I was there early to help prepare last minute details and coordinate with the office if we needed anything.  I put finishing touches on powerpoints, crafted final numbers and graphs, and coordinated final details with the hotel staff.

Lunch for me was at Texas Land and Cattle on the Riverwalk.  YUM!  I had brisket tacos and they were delicious.  Chad had a friend from his college football days that lives down there so, he met up with a buddy for lunch at Rosarios.  He said it was the best Tacos he’s ever eaten!!

Thursday afternoon for me was all about rolling with the punches.  Never in a million years would I have thought that San Antonio would provide so many travel issues (airplane) for the rest of my co-workers to arrive in TX.  There was thick fog over the city and it provided a few obstacles for everyone to get in on time.  We ended up going on the fly and switching the schedule around just a bit to accommodate all the delays.  While I was in meetings, Chad went out exploring.  He walked along the Riverwalk, found Market Square, located the mall, and a few other attractions that he knew I would want to hit when we could explore together on Saturday.

Thursday evening we had a mexican buffet at Iron Cactus on the river walk.  Again, excellent food and time spent getting to know my co-worker’s spouses (since we don’t all work in the same office)  Chad thrives in those kinds of situations and he had fun making his rounds in the room.

Friday, again was a full day of meetings for me, and another fun day for Chad.  Chad even got to go see The Hobbit again.  And I was just thankful that he got to see it without me for a 2nd time!  For lunch, Chad met up with another college football buddy and they went to a local hamburger joint.  Chad said the burger hit his top 5….ever!

Friday evening was our dinner and awards ceremony.  We ate at The Palm which was just down the street from our Hotel.  Chad and I both had Filet Mignon and it was out of this world.  Wow, so delicious.  We had green beans, and Potatoes Au Gratin and the largest slice of cheesecake I’ve ever seen for dessert.  We spent time recognizing the accomplishments of the company and those within the company that were top achievers.  We even had a quiz for spouses (which Chad won a giftcard) and a quiz for the admin staff (where I won a gift card) after which Chad planted a huge kiss on me in front of everybody.  I was embarrassed and Chad loved every minute of it! 🙂

Saturday was our day to explore!  Chad, again, had more friends that lived in the city and they came and picked us up for breakfast.  We stopped on the way to their house to pick up breakfast tacos at a joint that is known for them (Taco Haven).  In fact, Tommy Lee Jones is known to frequent this spot.  They were delicious.  On the way to their house, we also drove past San Antonio Mennonite church where I spent a week one summer in High School on a church youth group trip.  Wow, the memories came flooding back – we packed 150 youth in to a small church to sleep and shower in the heat of a San Antonio summer.  During the day we went out on service projects (I worked at a homeless shelter) and in the evenings we gathered for devotions and worship.  ANY-way.  We gathered around the table at our friends house and caught up on life and then they dropped us off at the Tower of Americas.  Chad wanted to go up in the tower and see the view of the whole city.  It was neat, but Chad really loves to look at layouts and figure out where things are.  Naturally, while on the elevator ride up, there is a man with a Kansas City shirt on.  Chad asked him where he was from, and come to find out that he works for the same company as the guy that shares office space with my company.  Small world.

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After the tower, we walked over to the mall, to the Alamo, and through some of the shops near there.  We had lunch on the river walk at Casa Rio, and then went back to the mall to catch a movie (my one request for the weekend – it had been over a year since I had seen a movie in a movie theater.  Life as a momma to a small kiddo) Have you ever been to an AMC movie theater?  This one had recliners!  It was amazing.  You press a button and the feat come up and your whole seat reclines.  I definitely think our local theater needs to get those!  I was hoping to see Catching Fire, but it had already made its way out of the theater, so we settled for American Hustle.  I wouldn’t recommend it, the story was ok, kinda drug on and I was wishing it was over way sooner that it was!

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After the movie we walked back to our hotel and relaxed a little while before meeting up with a few co-workers (who had also stuck around) for supper.  When we got back to the hotel we hopped on the elevator at the bottom level.  We went up one floor to the lobby and the doors open, and who walks in??  Brad Womack (and his twin) from the Bachelor season (i don’t even know)  As he stepped on to the elevator I got a strange feeling that I knew him from somewhere and it all clicked in my head.  Unfortunately, I was so in shock I was unable to utter a single sound.  Chad made small talk with them, but it was a silent 20 seconds until we arrived at our floor, got off the elevator and I looked at Chad with the widest eyes.  Do ou know who that was?!  Of course, he had no idea.  I told him and then he was upset that I didn’t say anything.  Oh well, I have a small story at least! That evening we ate at the restaurant connected to our hotel called Acenar.  It was fabulous!  I had shrimp tacos and I licked my plate clean!  After dinner we attempted to walk some of it off up and down the river walk, before retiring early to the hotel room as we had an early flight out the next morning.

Whew!  It was a fun trip! And seriously awesome to see all of my planning come together.  So thankful to my company for allowing me not only the immense responsibility, but also the opportunity to even take the trip in the first place.  The generosity that my company shows is simply overwhelming.  I am thankful to work for the company that I do!

Kohen (and me) survived time away.  It was the longest I’d ever left him before.  And in light of the events preceeding the trip, I wasn’t so sure how I’d be feeling.  But it was great to spend quality time with Chad and to not have to worry about every little detail for Ko.  Plus, the gparents loved spending so much time with him.  They may have both texted me the next day to check in on him.  They were missing him like crazy!

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January Challenges

I’ve had the words for this post swirling around in my mind for the last week.  I knew that to adequately describe the adventures of Tara Shae (and company) this post needed to be written.  The hard part is that for one who tends not to over share, it is difficult to put this in writing.  But, alas, this is part of my story, and the journey that God has me on here on earth.

Last Monday, I had my first OB appointment.  Yes, we were on the journey in my 2nd pregnancy.  The anticipation was building and this would be the appointment where we would see the little bean on the screen, hear the heartbeat, get confirmation of what I had been feeling for the past few weeks and then slowly start to share with family and close friends.

Since we moved, it was mostly necessary that I find a new doctor instead of traveling back to the previous town where I had delivered Kohen.  As most of you know, this was a difficult task for me.  I dislike doctor appointments to the max.  I created huge anxiety over each appointment, and I generally have elevated blood pressure due to nervousness.  Heck, at my last doctor they even labeled me with “severe white coat syndrome”  I won’t even act like it’s not true.  I get sweaty palms when I have to take Ko in for routine check ups.  Somewhere in my brain, I equate the doctor with something being wrong.  I can’t wrap my brain around going to the doctor when things are fine.  It’s a sickness really, and exceptionally stupid considering how much you have to visit the doctor when you are pregnant and with children.  Ugh.

Fortunately, I had found a doctor I felt good about and there we were, sitting in the room waiting to meet her.  She came in and was very pleasant.  Answered all my questions, took time to get to know us a little and calm my nerves and then sent us down to the sonogram room.

We got situated in the room and I took a deep breath – anticipating a similar situation to when we first viewed the little bean that was Kohen back in November of 2011.  The sono tech was very quiet, searching around and not really saying anything.  Chad was watching on the screen and finally just blurted out “are there two?!” and she calmly and with no emotion confirmed what he asked.  My mind swirled.  Two babies?!  Twins didn’t run in our family AT ALL.  Thoughts of buying two of everything jumped through my brain.  Could I handle it?  Of course I could.  Ok, relax, just stay calm.  I was there waiting for her to turn on the monitor so that we could hear the heartbeats, but she never got that far.  She continued taking measurements and recording things and then finally said, “There are two babies in there, but I can’t find a heartbeat for either one”.  I think she asked if I was ok, and then told us we would go back upstairs to meet with the doctor.

Details after details of stuff that I don’t want to remember and I can’t really remember everything that went on, but the doctor told us how sorry she was and gave us options for the future.  We decided upon a plan of action and left the doctor’s office.

I was strong.  It was typical Tara in action.  Strong in public…mostly because I was in shock…the tears would come later in private.  Not realizing all the ramifications of the news we had just received and I was doing ok, until I had to call somebody.  I sat in the car, quiet.  Chad asked me if I was ok.  And I responded by saying that I was ok, but that I didn’t even know who to call first.  Slowly the news got out.  I made phone call after phone call.  Text after text and let the people closest to me know the news of which I was anticipating a very different delivery for just a few hours earlier.

A little joke that Chad and I started with Kohen was calling our children Chad/Tara Combos.  In fact, when I let Chad know that I was pregnant, I wrote that Chad/Tara Combo #2 was on its way.  Little did I know that it was actually #2 & #3, but that God took them early to heaven.  Two little hershyberger babies in heaven.

Do you know why I get so nervous at the doctor?  It’s because I’m anticipating the worst.  I’ve had too many people close to me and have read too many blogs of people that I don’t even know with stories from all along the spectrum during pregnancy.  Some have a miscarriage on their own, some go to that first appointment and there is no heartbeat, some get further along with complications, heart issues, development issues, cord issues, delivery issues.  Seriously, the list goes on and on and on.  And with each story, I am overwhelmed with the miracle of life.  Seriously.  I used to just shove it off when my mom told me that she was just thankful that we were healthy.  And, now, after carrying Kohen and giving birth, I TOTALLY understand what she means.  It is an insane miracle, one that only could be orchestrated by a huge God.  So, while I still get incredibly nervous, with a mind that wanders to every possible worst case scenario, the one thing that gets me through is prayer and a relationship with a HUGE God that knows me and my struggles and tells me boldly that He’s Got This. 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast your burdens (anxiety) on Jesus, because he cares for you”

Trusting God for the future of our family, the strength to rebound from this heartache, and the opportunity to use this situation to bring glory to Him.

To all who have checked in on us and who have been praying, thank you.  Family and friends who show up in the darkest times, are true blessings.

We will get through this, no doubt.  It just takes time to work through it all.